I was talking to T last night and she asked me, "How are you feeling now dearie?". I replied, "I'm feeling good. I'm happy".

I was lying.

The feeling I've been having for the past couple of days is a far cry from good or happy. I've made up my mind not to see S again but I can't help thinking why do I get a pang of jealousy when I stumbled upon photos of his ex-girlfriend. Okay, I did not stumble upon it, it was lying in his room and since it was there within my reach, I just happen to flip opened the album and saw it. I didn't have a chance to hide it when he walked in. I was caught red-handed so I put on my most innocent face and apologized. I handed the album back to him when what I really wanted to do was to threw it out the window. He took the album and threw it in the bin. He said it was about time to throw those photos away and he wasn't doing it for my sake. Yeah, right! I was surprised nevertheless.

I couldn't tell S I wasn't happy because I'm the one who is attached. I just feel I have no say when it comes to S. And that, makes me feel worthless.

The other incident that makes me feel absolutely trashy was this other girl he was dating before he met me. Let's call her pregnant girl. Well, she was pregnant with her ex-boyfriend's baby whilst she was seeing S and she decided to go back to her ex. Fair enough. But apparently, pregnant girl decided to turn up at S work place last week, which was at the other end of the world from where she lives. I was feeling rather uneasy and my guess was she probably wanna date him again. I told him I wouldn't be too surprise (I'll just go mad) if she turns up again. I can't possibly tell him that I'll be very unhappy if he decided to see her again, I have no rights to do so. I don't even know who am I to him, whether I do actually meant something to him or just another chica he wants to sleep with. He got what he wanted.

And I have decided to walk out of his life.