I was talking to T last night and she asked me, "How are you feeling now dearie?". I replied, "I'm feeling good. I'm happy".

I was lying.

The feeling I've been having for the past couple of days is a far cry from good or happy. I've made up my mind not to see S again but I can't help thinking why do I get a pang of jealousy when I stumbled upon photos of his ex-girlfriend. Okay, I did not stumble upon it, it was lying in his room and since it was there within my reach, I just happen to flip opened the album and saw it. I didn't have a chance to hide it when he walked in. I was caught red-handed so I put on my most innocent face and apologized. I handed the album back to him when what I really wanted to do was to threw it out the window. He took the album and threw it in the bin. He said it was about time to throw those photos away and he wasn't doing it for my sake. Yeah, right! I was surprised nevertheless.

I couldn't tell S I wasn't happy because I'm the one who is attached. I just feel I have no say when it comes to S. And that, makes me feel worthless.

The other incident that makes me feel absolutely trashy was this other girl he was dating before he met me. Let's call her pregnant girl. Well, she was pregnant with her ex-boyfriend's baby whilst she was seeing S and she decided to go back to her ex. Fair enough. But apparently, pregnant girl decided to turn up at S work place last week, which was at the other end of the world from where she lives. I was feeling rather uneasy and my guess was she probably wanna date him again. I told him I wouldn't be too surprise (I'll just go mad) if she turns up again. I can't possibly tell him that I'll be very unhappy if he decided to see her again, I have no rights to do so. I don't even know who am I to him, whether I do actually meant something to him or just another chica he wants to sleep with. He got what he wanted.

And I have decided to walk out of his life.

I have decided that I'm going to stop seeing S. I just feel that he doesn't actually care for me as much after I told him I am still sort of attached to W. I had tears on my eyes when I told J about this. It wasn't because I don't have feelings for S. In fact, I know I'm falling for him but I just don't think it will ever be the same again. Everything changed from the moment he knew I was attached. I'm not blaming him, I'm just disappointed at myself. Now I have to figure out how can I talk to S without me breaking down like some insane woman in front of him.

I called it off with W as well. And I have no intention of letting S know about this.

At the very end, I'm walking on the road by myself. Alone.

I just clicked on the news headline link from the post I wrote earlier and apparently the article has been removed. No trace, no nothing.

Pfft!

I've been very confused this couple of days. There are so many things that I'm still trying to work out yet it just confuses me even more. Anyway, the problem that has been taking majority of my brain space is S.

So I'm gonna go over to S place to watch a movie this weekend but knowing him, and knowing myself, it is an unspoken term of 'let's make out'.

What really bothers me is the fact that I'm not ready.

Personally, I think it's bullshit whenever someone says she is not ready to have sex but I'm just not ready. I want to but I'm feeling guilty, hence I'm not ready. Despite the fact that I'm a selfish two-timing bitch, I can never get around sleeping with people or having occassional one-night stands. Sex without commitment sounds good but I'm just not that sort of person. What's more, I do like this guy, I even told W that I do like S. I do wanna go over and watch the movie he recommended. Also, I miss hugging and kissing him. I really don't know if we can just keep it to that level.

J jokingly suggested that I turn lesbian and I told him it will be waste for man-kind if I do. I know I can be that egoistic at times but aren't we all like that at some point?

Old lady: *speaking in a funny English accent* (I reckon she is Italian) Here is your stuff, the receipt is in the bag, bye bye!

Me: Thank you. Have a nice day!

Old lady: You too, madam.

WTF? MADAM?

*walks away cursing in silent*

The cute guy standing behind me was giving me a sympathetic smile that says, "I know, it's annoying but you gotta forgive her coz she's old".

It's really annoying that people much older than me address me as madam or ma'am whilst people younger than me actually think I'm younger than them. The boy who works at the convenient store always ask for my identification whenever I buy cigarettes. He looks barely 19 years old.

And I'm fucking turning 24!

I think if W, bro or any of my close friends stumble upon this blog, they will know instantly the anonymous blogger behind all this would be me.

I shudder to think W finding out about Ell although the whole drama ended sometime back, and the point that half of our close friends knew about it and none of them tell him anything. Or should I say they're more of my close friends than his? So yeah, I'm a really selfish two-timing bitch. Let's not even mention about S. I've done it once, I'm doing it again now. *long sigh* Darling, if you're reading this, you know that Ell never existed. He's just an image that I conjured. And S is gay so he was never interested in me. I made up those stories.

I shudder to think bro finding out about me bitching about his bed sheet and magnetic pillow 'talk' he's been giving me. Bro, if you're reading this, you know it wasn't me who wrote those nonsense. Someone must have hacked into my blogger account. I love you too much to even *think* of doing such thing.

I shudder to think T or M finding out about this blog because...

the whole world will know about it.

On so many occassions, T or M will come up to me and say, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, so and so made me promise not to say anything but.... yada yada yada". They're my very close friends, don't get me wrong. Also, not that I have any major secrets to hide and whatever that I blogged here they have probably known first-hand but I just don't want anyone else to find out. Girls, you meant the world to me so I can't possibly be the one who is blogging anonymously behind your back isn't it? It wasn't me!


*** 35.99% of the stuff written on this post is not exactly accurate. That, I think is not very obvious. Or was it really obvious? Damn!

In the past 24 hours, I've had:

- a bad hair-cut

- bad tummy cramp hence I had to skip my once a week yoga class

- left my newly open pack of sobranie pinks on the bench, it was gone when I went back to look for it

- bro gave me another good 15 minutes 'education' on his new magnetic pillow. Pfft!

- fell down on the wet floor and ended up having bruises on my hands. It doesn't help either when my butt hurts like hell

- didn't manage to get the only two Macca's Happy Meal dogs that I want badly - German Shepherd & Mini Schnauzer.

And I'm missing S.

I had my hair trimmed 2 inches shorter yesterday. I was shocked when the guy who did my hair uses hair shaver (or whatever you call that thing) to trim my hair and occassionally scissors. I was worried because I remembered my hairstylist back home told me it was a bad idea to do that. Nevertheless, I felt much better that it turned out alright and I paid $17.50 for it. So I happily continue doing my shopping with M.

When I got back home, I realized my hair actually curls at the bottom. Given the length of my hair, it is not supposed curls and my hair has always been straight. I was absolutely gutted and I was whining to J about it and how I'll do anything to go back home and get my hairstylist to correct the damage. *sigh* I miss my hairstylist although I think he is weird, with a retro-style fashion sense. He is probably gay as well. Then I told myself it's not the end of the world and that I'll do something about it next week if it remains the same way.

I woke up this morning and I couldn't resist looking at my hair again, it is absolutely horrendous. I told W about it and he was laughing at me for going into a cheap-skate place to get my hair cut but I told him I thought it was not gonna make any difference because it was just gonna be a trim! I called Maurice Meade to ask for a quote and it costs $76 for a trim which includes blow dry and shampoo. I just want my damage corrected so that's a bit too steep. So I spent a good half an hour calling all my mates asking whether they know any good hairstylist around town. N suggested Toni & Guy which she goes to regularly, there are students discount available as well. She and a few of my other mates also suggested this place called Top Image which is apparently really good hence I called them and booked an appointment for tomorrow arvo.

Lesson learnt, never ever go into a cheap-skate place to do your hair!

I've got an inspiration to put on my two cents worth about the bloggers world from Andy. Well, some people write to impress others, some people write to update family & friends on daily routine and some simply do so because "Hey, everyone has a blog so I have to start blogging too!"

W has got a very popular website (sorry, can't publish it here to save my own ass) and it comes to a point where he has to write to accomodate his audiences although he tried to refrain himself from doing so. I know he's enjoying his so-called 'celebrity' status and blogging is his current favourite past-time. That defies the whole purpose he started his blog in the first place- which was to update his mates and dear girlfriend in Aus on his life back home.

I started blogging to rant about mundane stuff in my life for reading pleasure of my close friends (read: close friends). Somehow, a close friend's cousin's friend, another friend's classmate, people I don't really know, etc found out about it. That put me in a very difficult situation to write about what I want without hurting anyone's feeling. Therefore, I started blogging anonymously and it worked out just fine. I don't care if no one reads it because it's for my own reading pleasure, and after all it's pretty much about me, myself and my life so how interesting can it get really? I take it as writing my own personal diary where I know will still exists in many years to come (provided blogspot doesn't fuck up). I started this blog at my lowest point of my life, the time where I truly felt the loss of someone I have came to love. I knew I had to let it out, I refused to erase Ell from my memory and I want to remember every single thing we shared in black and white. Once upon a time...

By the way Andy, I still think you're one of the most interesting bloggers I've came across so far - otherwise I wouldn't even bother commenting on it. Cheers!

I recalled the conversation we had over at dinner table last night.

M: *glancing at the front page news* Camilla looks like a horse

TW: I agree, Princess Diana is much prettier, apart from her hairstyle

Me: I like Camilla. I reckon she is okay

M: *putting up a disbelief look* WHATTT?? You like her??!!?You'll be shun out by the British society!

Me: Uh huh? Like I care

Bro: *looks at me* Who do you prefer then? Princess Diana or Camilla?

Me: Personally, I prefer the late princess but the bottomline is, Charles loves Camilla, end of story. So does it matters? Honestly, I have no idea why are people criticizing them. Leave them alone!

Bro: Fair enough then, you make sense

M: I still think Camilla is ugly

Me: ........

I find blogspot annoying. Okay, maybe it is the web browsers fault but I'm not some computer smart ass and I know nothing, zilch, zero about html and what not. I tried browsing through the Help section but I still couldn't solve my problems. I'm still trying to figure out why:

- whenever I check my user stats, the posts written stays at 16 when it is obvious I have more than 16 entries.

- when I was using my favourite gorgeous pink (thisaway rose) template, those links appear at the bottom right corner rather than top right, where it should be. It's just absolutely fucking ugly. I've said it before and I'm gonna say it again. IT IS ABSOLUTELY FUCKING UGLY!

- when I click on comments, it gets directed automatically to the comment page without me having have to click on post a comment. Not that it's a big deal but I hate reading comments through the 'white' page. It's just plain ugly. Bad for my eyes.

It's wee hour in the morning and I'm still wide awake despite having a few shots of Malibu. The gang were over at our place earlier and being such a graceful host that bro was, he cooked for M & TW as well. We had yummylicious lamb chop. Then we proceed to a few rounds of poker whilst waiting for the rest of the gang to arrive. This of course involved drinking since we missed it last night, following the tradition that loser of each round will have to go for a shot.

Unfortunately, bro isn't exactly a good drinker. He is not a smart drinker either, he ended up getting pissed way earlier and started murmuring rubbish and acting funny. He went very red on his face after two drinks. He took a few spoonful of butter and ate it just like that. He reckoned he won't get drunk that fast as the fats in the butter will minimize the impact of alcohol. I'm not so sure how accurate the theory is but he missed the point entirely. He was already pissed drunk so it wasn't going to help at all. Watching him on his drunk state is much better than any comedy series on TV. We all found him amusing and we were laughing our ass off when he tried to convince us that he wasn't close to being drunk. Nevertheless, everyone had a good time and that is all that matters.

I am happy.

I've never have this feeling for a very long time. It was probably because I've just been really relaxed, having not to worry about anything. And also, bro is cooking yummylicious dinner tonight which is a blessing for me because he is seldom at home.

The gang and I were supposed to get ourselves pissed drunk last night but it didn't work out coz we're just too lazy to move our butts. It was also due to the fact that bro - our faithful driver fell asleep snoring like a pig. I was lying half awake on the couch, lazily typing away on my laptop and whining to Y, my housemate that I'm starving, cold and I don't feel like going out drinking tonight. Being such a nice guy that he has always been, he drove me to macca's and I was happily grinning away like a 5-year-old girl having my Happy Meal and apple pie. And of course, smoking in between my meal. It felt weird to have my dinner at midnight but macca's has never tasted that nice before, I swear! I've also finished reading To Kill A Mockingbird before I fell asleep and I'm just absolutely proud of myself.

S asked me out for lunch this arvo, we had a good time catching up on stuff as I've not seen him for quite a while. I also managed to get an opportunity to pay for his lunch this time and he insisted that I should take his money, he was lamenting, "That's just what we Italians do, a man has gotta act like a man. I won't allow you to pay for me". That amuses me. I was thinking on my head that it was really not a big deal. I don't feel comfortable letting a guy pay for me all the time either. He's not my boyfriend for one. I don't have much cash with me I have to admit but the lunch is not expensive really. I can always dine in at Hyatt or some fancy restaurants when I ran out of money *grins* We killed some time by driving around before he's off to watch West Coast-Dockers match with his mates.

Oh, and I find kissing in between puffs is incredibly sexy.

The weather forecast indicates it is going to be a rainy day today. Which means it's going to be cold.

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so excited although I'll most likely stay in to read my pile of books. I'm still on book four of David Eddings' The Belgariad series, half-way through Harper Lee's To Kill A Mockingbird and starting on Bill Clinton's memoir. I don't think I will even attempt reading the memoir, it is super thick and I bet I can kill a cat with that. Not to mention I can only take light reading these days, I fell asleep after reading about 20 pages of To Kill A Mockingbird and I've been kicking myself silly because I'm usually able to finish reading a book between 2 to 4 hours. Bummer!

I was talking to W last night and I asked him "Is it okay if I date other guys?" He went Well, it's your choice. Just follow your heart. If I say no, not that you're gonna listen to me anyway". I was trying to understand what does follow your heart means in this context. I know him perfectly well to know that he's using reverse psychology on me. On the other hand, I know he's feeling insecure towards our so-called relationship more than I do.

W was totally against bro going out with his current girlfriend because bro's girl has got a boyfriend back home. I was worried for bro but then I realized it is his life therefore, he has a choice to choose whichever path he wants to take. He isn't my brother by blood but I just call him my bro because I don't have one. He's been a really close mate of mine for the past 3 years and I can honestly say that he has grown up so much compared to when I first met him. So I told W to stop making assumptions based on what he thinks he saw. He wasn't happy when I told him off. He reckons I'm just trying to protect bro. But really, I'm not the one making decision for bro. Also, as outsiders, it's hard to know what exactly is going on. After all, there are no rights or wrongs when it come to relationship, there are only consequences to bear.

*** I can't seem to log on blogspot since this morning so this is a delayed post. I also noticed that when I'm using Internet Explorer to view my blog page, my fashionista links appear on the bottom right corner which is absolutely fucking ugly. Those links appear on top right corner when I'm using Firefox though. Please tell me the former was just my illusion.

I was out for dinner with the usual gang last night, a little get-together before bro's girlfriend return back to Malaysia for good this weekend. It was just a normal bar/restaurant/cafe that specializes in over-rated steaks and damn fucking slow service. We have to wait for at least half an hour before our food is served. I was so tempted to just walk out two doors down to Room Nineteen last year's My Restaurant Rules winner and have my meal there instead. Then I realized I can no longer afford that. When W was around, he'd bring me to fancy eatery place at least once a month (he loves Italian food) and I've been abstaining from Italian food for the past six months because I just got so fed-up of it.

Anyway, the food isn't that good, I prefer my sobranie pinks over eating there, anytime. The company made up for the crappy place though. My close girlfriend, T (yep, the girl who is having emotional breakdown) seemed alright tonight. Phew.. I just feel so relieved. It was good to have M back from Melbourne. She came back with a boyfriend and the Marc Jacobs ballet flats she's been eyeing for the past few weeks. And of course, she managed to get me my all time favourite orange pastilles buttons from Haigh's Chocolates which I first discovered when I was in Adelaide two years ago. She refused to let me pay for it and she told me, "It's the least I could do for you. Love you loads!". How sweet! I always think I've been really blessed as I have wonderful mates.

M asked me about my development with S. I told her I've been seeing him less often now. And I want to keep it that way. I enjoyed his company there is no doubt about it but I just don't want to put myself in another complicated situation, I've just got out from a shit-hole and I'm definitely not ready just yet.

M: So what about you and W?

Me: Still the same

M: Are you ever gonna break-up with him?

Me: I consider myself single now although I told S I have a boyfriend

M: You know the longer you drag it, the harder it will get. I was hurting so much when I decided to break it off with J, I was only with him for 1.5 years. But you... 4 years! Can you imagine that? *cheeky smiles* You guys can get married now!

Me: Uh huh. Touch wood. It's not funny

M: So why did u refuse to give it a go with S? Don't you like him?

Me: I do, but I'm just not ready. But then again, that's probably just an excuse. He knows it's gonna be short-term and he said eventually I'd go back to my boyfriend.

M: How can he be sure you're going back to your boyfriend?

Me: I just couldn't be bothered to tell him anything apart from the fact that I have boyfriend coz I know he's gonna think these are all excuses. I'm half-hanging in a relationship. To be honest, I still haven't get around liking S as much as I feel towards Ell, I just don't want to get too emotional attached to S because it's just gonna hurt me at the end, like how it has happened to me before

M: Well, you probably just miss the feeling of having someone new by your side

Me: *nods* maybe

A very close girlfriend of mine is on the verge of breaking down. So we were sitting down and she started:

Girlfriend: My boyfriend is useless. He is 32 and he has no money. Okay, not that he doesn't have money but at this point of time, he is cashless

Me: Hmm? Well, he's own half a house

Girlfriend: So?? That is nothing

Me: You know he can't read through your mind, if you're unhappy with him you have to let him know

Girlfriend: He doesn't drive, his chicken dish is half cooked. Eww..Who would eat a reddish chicken. Yucks. And he doesn't buy me things, I have to chauffeur him around and I always buy him stuff

Me: Are you discontented being with him then?

Girlfriend:No but he just doesn't fucking care about me!! Sighhhhh...Btw, when you were with W, was he like that?

Me: I don't remember to be honest, it felt like ages ago. *shrugs*

I always think being in a relationship takes a lot of effort. I was (probably still am but I'd prefer to say not) in a relationship for 4 years. Our relationship was never smooth sailing just so because there was the whole drama with his traditional family for one, I think his mum lives in the 15th centuries. Respecting elderly people and individual's choice is a whole different thing all together, something which his mum will never understand. She thinks that women need to know how to cook and the first priority for a woman is to take care of the husband and family. It's fair enough if she thinks that way but she was trying to brain-wash me to follow her way. I was miserable. Not to mention his pig chauvinist elder bro who lives by the motto 'It's okay I can do that, because I am older than you'. Yeah, smart ass.

W treats me right, he loves me to death no doubt about that. He gives me everything I want. Almost everything. I can accept the fact that he hates my smoking habit therefore I quit. So I thought life was perfect (in my interpretation) and I can deal with the family because I loved him. It wasn't as easy as I thought it would be and it comes to a point where I don't fucking care anymore. I couldn't be bothered when his mum started criticizing me. I've came to realize that some people are just too fucking arrogant to compromise and I shudder to think if I were to be married to him. Women who are married into his family will be doomed because they're placed at the bottom of the family hierarchy, as corny as it sounds but that's the best way I can decipher that. And I always think being a woman is a privilege, we deserve to be loved and respect. After all, smoking is an individual's choice. Therefore, if I were to quit smoking again, someday, it will be for myself and no one else.

So I told girlfriend not to stress herself out too much, she's just been with him for 3 months. Well, relationships are never smooth-sailing, otherwise it wouldn't be called relationship. Given the 11 years age gap (she is turning 21 this year), there is a lot of hard work involved here. They don't move on the same wave-length yet it's just so amazing how at the very end it all works out just fine.

I went shopping with bro and his girl yesterday arvo. I was looking for bed sheet and upon hearing that, his face lits up. He started to give me a crash course on thread counts, egyptian cotton and what not. He insisted that it does make a difference, the more thread counts, the better a bed sheet would be. So a 20-year old boy is giving me a lesson on bed sheets. Cool! And utterly boring. At the end, I couldn't be bothered so I just bought whatever he recommended. I just want a bed sheet!

On a brighter note, I got myself a pink polka dots cover set for my comforter and to top it up, my housemate managed to get me sobranie pinks from duty free on her flight back from Singapore.

Oh, and M is jetting back from Melbourne tonight.

I'm totally ecstatic!

Despite me loving the cold weather, I only manage to fall asleep at 3am worrying about my job prospectives. My rental will be due in about 3 weeks and it just hit me that I've been doing absolutely nothing for the past one month. Okay, so it was a lie. I've just been enjoying myself when I should be trying hard looking for a job because if I don't get one soon, Pa will haul me back to Malaysia. And of course there is the monetary problem. I can't possibly ask money from Pa again. Just before I left home, we had an argument about my career paths. He wants me to stay whilst I told him I'm not ready to leave Aus yet. I've came to love it here despite the fact that I still think it's pretty much a shit hole but that's besides the point. So we compromised and he gave me a six month probation.

So now here I am once again, eating back my own words and feeling helpless. It wasn't because there were no jobs for me but it was because I'm just fucking lazy and picky. I thought of doing waitressing to get some income in the meantime but I shudder thinking about it. But I know I have no choice because as much as people say 'Money isn't everything!' but the truth is, everyone needs money to survive.

And I don't have money right now.

The statement which I've never made in my entire twenty three years of life. All my life I've been spoilt. I don't come from a superbly wealthy family in case some of you were wondering but I'd say I've been a very lucky girl not having have to worry about my basic neccessities. It doesn't help much either when the American Express arrived early this week, a gift from Pa for contigency purposes, in case I get totally skint. I don't have a strong will power to resist it.