Thursday, May 26, 2005
the one with the controlling mother
I had dinner over at the 'in-laws' last night. His sis and mum are back in town. To W's family, I'm still his girlfriend because they don't know what is going on between us. Needless to say, it's none of their business really.
So his mum and I were sitting down having a chat. She complained how W and his bro never call her since she came over. She lamented how W is being an ungrateful child wanting to move out from her house. Her exact words were, "Now that the dad is gone, he's trying to push all his responsibilities to his older bro and he doesn't want to take care of me. Fine if he wants to do that. He will not get a single cent out of my will". I was thinking what exactly are her problems? Knowing W being the person that he has always been, I don't think he fucking care about his parents money at all. At the tender age of 22, he was already half-way up the corporate ladder without his dad's connection or influence and that is something I really admire about him.
Of course I can't tell that to the grieving widow. W did mention to me before that he wanted to move out so he can be independant despite the fact that his parents owned a huge mansion and there are only 3 of them living in the place now that the dad has passed away and his sis has moved to Perth for good. I guess it's a very different mentality all together.
I know the mum was hinting to me so that I would talk W to back out from the idea. She knew that W probably respects her but deep down inside, it hurts her to acknowledge the fact that his son loves me more than her because unlike his bro or sis, W has never actually open up entirely to his family. And he trusted me with all his heart.
Of course I didn't tell W what his mum said because it will only make him more determine to move out. And whoever said I was gonna talk him out of it? *innocent eyes*
So his mum and I were sitting down having a chat. She complained how W and his bro never call her since she came over. She lamented how W is being an ungrateful child wanting to move out from her house. Her exact words were, "Now that the dad is gone, he's trying to push all his responsibilities to his older bro and he doesn't want to take care of me. Fine if he wants to do that. He will not get a single cent out of my will". I was thinking what exactly are her problems? Knowing W being the person that he has always been, I don't think he fucking care about his parents money at all. At the tender age of 22, he was already half-way up the corporate ladder without his dad's connection or influence and that is something I really admire about him.
Of course I can't tell that to the grieving widow. W did mention to me before that he wanted to move out so he can be independant despite the fact that his parents owned a huge mansion and there are only 3 of them living in the place now that the dad has passed away and his sis has moved to Perth for good. I guess it's a very different mentality all together.
I know the mum was hinting to me so that I would talk W to back out from the idea. She knew that W probably respects her but deep down inside, it hurts her to acknowledge the fact that his son loves me more than her because unlike his bro or sis, W has never actually open up entirely to his family. And he trusted me with all his heart.
Of course I didn't tell W what his mum said because it will only make him more determine to move out. And whoever said I was gonna talk him out of it? *innocent eyes*
chica bonita fluttered eyelashes @ 15:39| 1 comments
the love that was never mine
Late at night when all the world is sleeping, I stay up and think of you
And I wish on a star, that somewhere you are thinking of me too...
I smile whenever I think of him. He is just...
so far away.
Perhaps someday, one day, my heart will find its own way of letting go.
And I wish on a star, that somewhere you are thinking of me too...
I smile whenever I think of him. He is just...
so far away.
Perhaps someday, one day, my heart will find its own way of letting go.
chica bonita fluttered eyelashes @ 01:46| 2 comments
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
it's just... josh
As M and I were sitting down watching Wicker Park last night, I couldn't help noticing how much Josh Hartnett looked like Ell from the side angle.
My mind drifted away throughout the movie. I could still remember how we used to share a good laugher together, how well we clicked and how much he cared for me back then. What's left right now are just memories.
Once upon a time...
My mind drifted away throughout the movie. I could still remember how we used to share a good laugher together, how well we clicked and how much he cared for me back then. What's left right now are just memories.
Once upon a time...
chica bonita fluttered eyelashes @ 23:33| 4 comments
Monday, May 23, 2005
kill me please
I hate it when I can't control my emotions. Most of the time I'm overpowered by it and I ended up being frustrated.
So I did it again.
I thought I was doing a good job in avoiding S but I gave in and replied to his text messages. I told him that I've missed him but as usual, he didn't seem to show that he feels the same way.
Why exactly do I still need to convince myself that he does actually care?
And why does it hurts me so badly bearing the thought of not seeing him ever again?
So I did it again.
I thought I was doing a good job in avoiding S but I gave in and replied to his text messages. I told him that I've missed him but as usual, he didn't seem to show that he feels the same way.
Why exactly do I still need to convince myself that he does actually care?
And why does it hurts me so badly bearing the thought of not seeing him ever again?
chica bonita fluttered eyelashes @ 01:06| 0 comments
Sunday, May 22, 2005
it's a damn conspiracy
Bro walked into my room.
Him: I'm leaving for Melbourne tonight
Me: Huh? (pretending I didn't hear the word Melbourne)
Him: I'm going to Melbourne to attend a meeting
Me: Oh...
Him: I'll be back on Sunday night
Then I realized that bro and S are going to be on the same flight back home. Thank God they don't know each other. Just when I thought I'm doing a good job in erasing S from my life, there is always something that reminded me of him.
Him: I'm leaving for Melbourne tonight
Me: Huh? (pretending I didn't hear the word Melbourne)
Him: I'm going to Melbourne to attend a meeting
Me: Oh...
Him: I'll be back on Sunday night
Then I realized that bro and S are going to be on the same flight back home. Thank God they don't know each other. Just when I thought I'm doing a good job in erasing S from my life, there is always something that reminded me of him.
chica bonita fluttered eyelashes @ 00:53| 1 comments
Friday, May 20, 2005
i don't fucking care
S text me from Melbourne lamenting how he didn't have enough time to shop at Chapel St. I've actually deleted his phone number from my phone book but it looks like it's not working.
*Sigh*
When I need someone to be there for me, he wasn't there. I know he's enjoying Melbourne.
I don't give a damn!
*Sigh*
When I need someone to be there for me, he wasn't there. I know he's enjoying Melbourne.
I don't give a damn!
chica bonita fluttered eyelashes @ 00:35| 2 comments
Thursday, May 19, 2005
and so it seems
This is gonna be another depressing entry.
I've been bottling my feelings inside for the past 24 hours that is is about to kill me. Therefore, I'm gonna have to let it out somewhere and I do wanna spare my close friends from seeing the drama queen in me hence this blog is my only available channel. It's also due to the fact that no one who knows me in real life knew the existance of this blog.
Anyway, my victim of bitching here would be Y, my housemate.
Y told me that he's gonna give me a lift to my part-time job a couple of days ago and I happily accepted that as it saves me the trouble to catch a bus. Then, he rang me 2 hours before I'm due to start my work that he can't make it coz he's sick. It's fine with me really despite the last hours notice coz he is sick. He didn't choose to fall sick so it's not his fault.
I rushed back to take a quick shower and I bumped into him at home.
Y: Oh you don't have to rush, I think I'll be able to fetch you to work now
Me: No, you're sick. Stay at home and have a good rest
Y: I'm not exactly sick. It's the sickness called lazy
Me: So does that means you can send me to work? (thinking: at least I don't have to rush now. Phew...)
Y: Yep
Me: Are you really sure?
Y: Erm... I think it's better if you go by yourself actually
I was about to jump on him and punch him on the face but I've got only my towel on. I just felt I've been the victim of an April's Fool joke.To cut the long story short, I missed the bus and I was an hour late for work due to the thunderstorm. Like really, it's not funny.
Thank you so much for making my life extra miserable dear housemate. Why would you even bother to offer a helping hand when you can't even fulfill it and then giving me a glimmer of hope before crushing it down again? Fick dich!
I've been bottling my feelings inside for the past 24 hours that is is about to kill me. Therefore, I'm gonna have to let it out somewhere and I do wanna spare my close friends from seeing the drama queen in me hence this blog is my only available channel. It's also due to the fact that no one who knows me in real life knew the existance of this blog.
Anyway, my victim of bitching here would be Y, my housemate.
Y told me that he's gonna give me a lift to my part-time job a couple of days ago and I happily accepted that as it saves me the trouble to catch a bus. Then, he rang me 2 hours before I'm due to start my work that he can't make it coz he's sick. It's fine with me really despite the last hours notice coz he is sick. He didn't choose to fall sick so it's not his fault.
I rushed back to take a quick shower and I bumped into him at home.
Y: Oh you don't have to rush, I think I'll be able to fetch you to work now
Me: No, you're sick. Stay at home and have a good rest
Y: I'm not exactly sick. It's the sickness called lazy
Me: So does that means you can send me to work? (thinking: at least I don't have to rush now. Phew...)
Y: Yep
Me: Are you really sure?
Y: Erm... I think it's better if you go by yourself actually
I was about to jump on him and punch him on the face but I've got only my towel on. I just felt I've been the victim of an April's Fool joke.To cut the long story short, I missed the bus and I was an hour late for work due to the thunderstorm. Like really, it's not funny.
Thank you so much for making my life extra miserable dear housemate. Why would you even bother to offer a helping hand when you can't even fulfill it and then giving me a glimmer of hope before crushing it down again? Fick dich!
chica bonita fluttered eyelashes @ 13:34| 0 comments
a war of my own
So everyone was flocking to cinema yesterday to catch the third episode of Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith.
W went with K, this girl whom he's been getting increasingly closer to since he went back home. Strangely, I felt numb rather than jealous.
S called it the Star Wars Night and to him it's bigger than the footie match he's gonna watch in Melbourne this weekend. He's even got himself a Jedi robe and a light sabre to dress up for the occasion. But no, he did not bring me to the movie - he has planned to go with his mates. Thanks for being so fucking inconsiderate.
So there I was lying on my bed, hugging my soft toys and cried myself to sleep. I've never had such feeling for a long, long time. The feeling where no one cared and being abandoned. More importantly, having it coming from S, it was almost unbearable.
I text him saying, "I need a hug". Twice. There wasn't any reply.
Fine.
I reckon I deserve the very best and I hate being treated that way. I hate being second best let alone being unimportant.
And for that I can assure you, you're so gonna get it when you return from Melbourne. You can trust me on this one.
W went with K, this girl whom he's been getting increasingly closer to since he went back home. Strangely, I felt numb rather than jealous.
S called it the Star Wars Night and to him it's bigger than the footie match he's gonna watch in Melbourne this weekend. He's even got himself a Jedi robe and a light sabre to dress up for the occasion. But no, he did not bring me to the movie - he has planned to go with his mates. Thanks for being so fucking inconsiderate.
So there I was lying on my bed, hugging my soft toys and cried myself to sleep. I've never had such feeling for a long, long time. The feeling where no one cared and being abandoned. More importantly, having it coming from S, it was almost unbearable.
I text him saying, "I need a hug". Twice. There wasn't any reply.
Fine.
I reckon I deserve the very best and I hate being treated that way. I hate being second best let alone being unimportant.
And for that I can assure you, you're so gonna get it when you return from Melbourne. You can trust me on this one.
chica bonita fluttered eyelashes @ 12:16| 0 comments
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
all i need right now...
is a comforting hug from him.
chica bonita fluttered eyelashes @ 20:26| 0 comments
pointlessness
Tell me I'm not paranoid. Please.
So I've been back home. Everything was lovely, I get to see Pa although it was just for 2 days coz he's always busy. I get to binge on Ma's cooking, I get to go shopping with sisters (not to mention splurging $600 on Stila cosmetics). I get to catch up with friends whom I've not seen for ages. I get to have my tall skinny latte from Starbucks. I managed to smuggle some extra loose packs of ciggies without being found out by the customs. And I've missed S quite a bit when I was back home.
S will be away in Melbourne to watch footie this coming weekend so we went out on the very same day I arrived in Perth.
Me: I've missed you
S: Even when you're back home surrounded by your family and friends?
Me: ....... (*nods* silently)
I hate it when he answered my question with another question.
And gawd, I must have told him a million time that infamous "I've missed you" line but not once, I do mean not even once, he replied with "I miss you too". It probably clearly means that he never did yet I refused to believe that and I was searching for a hint. A hint that he does care for me, even a little bit and it's not just about sex. Why can't you pretend that you do care?
We've had the conversation before and I told him if he does really care for me he has to show it and judging from what's going on right now, I just feel that I'm no one important to him. I only get to see him once a week and I made it clear to him that it just wasn't enough for me and he promised he would try his best. It doesn't look like he even tried at all. I could still remember when I first know him, we went out at least 3 times on that week itself. A girlfriend of mine once told me, "If a guy does really care and love you, he will do anything for you". W has proved her theory right. He's probably the only guy who loves me to death but it's just sad that I don't feel the same way.
Will I ever find someone who is half as good as W or cares for me as much as Ell did back then?
Why when I thought I was strong enough to stand up once again, I was beaten down.
Mercilessly...
So I've been back home. Everything was lovely, I get to see Pa although it was just for 2 days coz he's always busy. I get to binge on Ma's cooking, I get to go shopping with sisters (not to mention splurging $600 on Stila cosmetics). I get to catch up with friends whom I've not seen for ages. I get to have my tall skinny latte from Starbucks. I managed to smuggle some extra loose packs of ciggies without being found out by the customs. And I've missed S quite a bit when I was back home.
S will be away in Melbourne to watch footie this coming weekend so we went out on the very same day I arrived in Perth.
Me: I've missed you
S: Even when you're back home surrounded by your family and friends?
Me: ....... (*nods* silently)
I hate it when he answered my question with another question.
And gawd, I must have told him a million time that infamous "I've missed you" line but not once, I do mean not even once, he replied with "I miss you too". It probably clearly means that he never did yet I refused to believe that and I was searching for a hint. A hint that he does care for me, even a little bit and it's not just about sex. Why can't you pretend that you do care?
We've had the conversation before and I told him if he does really care for me he has to show it and judging from what's going on right now, I just feel that I'm no one important to him. I only get to see him once a week and I made it clear to him that it just wasn't enough for me and he promised he would try his best. It doesn't look like he even tried at all. I could still remember when I first know him, we went out at least 3 times on that week itself. A girlfriend of mine once told me, "If a guy does really care and love you, he will do anything for you". W has proved her theory right. He's probably the only guy who loves me to death but it's just sad that I don't feel the same way.
Will I ever find someone who is half as good as W or cares for me as much as Ell did back then?
Why when I thought I was strong enough to stand up once again, I was beaten down.
Mercilessly...
chica bonita fluttered eyelashes @ 15:19| 3 comments
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
the one with the funeral
I've been back in Malaysia for a few days now. Daddy insisted that I go back to pay my last respect to W's dad who passed away a couple of days ago.
The funeral was a solemn occassion - obviously. As I stood there listening to prayers, my heart hardened. I just simply refused to cry openly despite the fact that everyone has tears on their eyes, not because I don't care but because I strongly believe it's a privacy to show one's emotion. Myself, for one do not cry openly (apart from watching movies in the cinema). Uncle S has taken good care of me during my stay in Aus for the past 3 years and for that, I could never repay his gratitude.
That very night as I lie down on W's arms listening to soothing music, he whispered, "I've lost my daddy forever..." I looked at him and replied, "I think he is very lucky to have a son like you, he will live in your memories, wouldn't he?" We hugged and tears started to well up on my eyes. No words were spoken. We cried in silent until we fell asleep.
The funeral was a solemn occassion - obviously. As I stood there listening to prayers, my heart hardened. I just simply refused to cry openly despite the fact that everyone has tears on their eyes, not because I don't care but because I strongly believe it's a privacy to show one's emotion. Myself, for one do not cry openly (apart from watching movies in the cinema). Uncle S has taken good care of me during my stay in Aus for the past 3 years and for that, I could never repay his gratitude.
That very night as I lie down on W's arms listening to soothing music, he whispered, "I've lost my daddy forever..." I looked at him and replied, "I think he is very lucky to have a son like you, he will live in your memories, wouldn't he?" We hugged and tears started to well up on my eyes. No words were spoken. We cried in silent until we fell asleep.
chica bonita fluttered eyelashes @ 17:07| 2 comments
Monday, May 02, 2005
what am i supposed to do?
I still keep a very close contact with W despite the fact that our relationship is in transition stage. His dad slipped into critical condition last 2 days and there isn't any sign of him getting better. I'm not particularly close to Uncle S but he's definitely one of the most generous person I've met.
I have this weird feeling in my heart, it is indescribable. I can't even say that I feel sad because it's not sadness.
I just feel...
Helpless.
As W's estranged girlfriend of 4 years, I feel I have the obligation to feel sad but honestly, when I tried to re-assess my feeling, it comes down to I don't really know what should I really be feeling. Maybe because I've not gone through the phase where I'm about to lose someone dear to me and I shudder to think about it. What if it was my dad who contracted cancer? What if it was one of my dearest baby sisters?
What if it was me?
Or maybe because I'm just heartless.
I have this weird feeling in my heart, it is indescribable. I can't even say that I feel sad because it's not sadness.
I just feel...
Helpless.
As W's estranged girlfriend of 4 years, I feel I have the obligation to feel sad but honestly, when I tried to re-assess my feeling, it comes down to I don't really know what should I really be feeling. Maybe because I've not gone through the phase where I'm about to lose someone dear to me and I shudder to think about it. What if it was my dad who contracted cancer? What if it was one of my dearest baby sisters?
What if it was me?
Or maybe because I'm just heartless.
chica bonita fluttered eyelashes @ 00:57| 2 comments
Sunday, May 01, 2005
the one with the lip conditioner
I'm not a big fan of cosmetics. I love my clothes, bags and what not but when it comes to cosmetics, I have no freaking idea about it at all. I wear minimum make-up and if I do shop for cosmetics, I go in to M.A.C just so because they're affordable.
Nevertheless, I can't live without this M.A.C lip conditioner. It's the best thing invented for lips since kissing. The best bit is you can wear it over-night. I have difficulties wearing lipstick when my lips are dry but trust me, this lip conditioner is a miracle and it feels helluva nice to wear it under the lipstick. More importantly, it is affordable and worth every single cents of your money. It costs about AU$23 for a tube if I'm not mistaken.
Oh, and I don't know why Pamela Anderson is chosen as one of M.A.C's Viva Glam spokesperson. She is definitely a far cry from being glam. Pfft!
Nevertheless, I can't live without this M.A.C lip conditioner. It's the best thing invented for lips since kissing. The best bit is you can wear it over-night. I have difficulties wearing lipstick when my lips are dry but trust me, this lip conditioner is a miracle and it feels helluva nice to wear it under the lipstick. More importantly, it is affordable and worth every single cents of your money. It costs about AU$23 for a tube if I'm not mistaken.
Oh, and I don't know why Pamela Anderson is chosen as one of M.A.C's Viva Glam spokesperson. She is definitely a far cry from being glam. Pfft!
chica bonita fluttered eyelashes @ 13:13| 3 comments