I'm the queen of procrastination.

I've been doing absolutely nothing for the whole yesterday apart from lying on my bed watching live telecast of Australian Open (thank God for ESPN!) and switching to numerous other channels occassionally. CNN is always depressing, major headline being Monkey Bush's inauguration. Hallmark has got some really good stuff. I fell asleep a couple of times then waking up in time to catch Andy Roddick-Greg Rusedski match. I've forgotten how good looking Roddick was. Sweet. I even manage to finish Big Cherry Holler which I bought a couple of days ago, so I reckon it isn't so bad. At least I did some reading.

Australian Post is releasing a set of stamps in honour of six Australia's top designers. As I look through the names...Collette Dinnigan (hmm..she's not too bad) Carla Zampatti (who?) Joe Saba (oh that Saba Melbourne guy) Akira Isogawa (not my favourite) Jenny Bannister (never heard of her) Prue Acton (never heard of her as well). Then I thought what about Peter Morrissey? He's a guru and definitely my favourite Australian designer but he's not even in the list. I love his designs better than Saba's. Disappointment.

I could still remember that fateful day clearly. He cooked me the nicest dinner ever which brought attention to the rest of our friends. P was teasing him, "So are you making dinner for N because you like her?" He replied with a nod, then he corrected himself by saying that I deserve a nice dinner for buying him chocolates all the time. His dinner was just something simple yet it tasted good. I loved the mashed potatoes but I could hardly finish the whole thing coz it was a really big portion. He reckoned that I should eat more since I'm small. To him, I'm small in size but I'm just normal, having the size of a typical Malaysian girl.

After the dinner, we went down to pub as usual. We had our round of drinks, chatting away with a couple of people. Time passed by really quick that night and before we knew it, there were only both of us left in the pub. We were sitting close to each other and laughing away. He told me a lot more about himself and he proposed a toast for our future. We both left the pub by midnight, I went very red on my face again as I tend to blush easily after a drink or two. He offered me a piggyback ride on our way back and I gladly accepted it. It felt so warm snuggled up to his back and I almost fell asleep on his back for a minute. I could still remember how I literally buried my face on his neck and hugged him tightly.

When we arrived back home, everyone else was already asleep. So we had the TV on and started talking to each other again, sitting on the couch. I had my Paul Frank pyjama on and he commented that he likes it whenever I wear that. We decided to sleep in the living room as we're comfortably tucked under the cover. The next thing I know was, I was lying on his shoulder and my hand touches his, and we started to hug each other. My heart was beating so fast because I could never imagine us being physically close to each other, I did have feelings for him but I don't expect the same thing from him because I knew I had a boyfriend and I can't possibly fall for other guys. He told me the exact same thing, that he likes me since ages ago. My face was pressed closely on his, and without me knowing, my lips were really close up to his, and I moved away slightly coz I was shy. Then his lips found mine and we kissed...tenderly.... It felt as though we belong to each other. It felt so right at that time, as though we're two kindred spirits who have found each other. We both never wanted that night to end.

"Close your eyes now and imagine I'm there with you. I'm hugging and kissing you now. x" Hey Ell, that's my favourite text message from you. It reminded me of the first time we hugged and kissed. It was a beautiful memory, intangible and delicate, it felt as though all this happened yesterday. I was literally blushing when I read that and I secretly hope that it will come true when I see you again. But you left.

A friend's mum has a second relapse, this time a tumour on her thigh after recovering from stomach cancer a couple of months back. My heart fell once I heard the news because I'm still coming to term with Uncle S' (W's dad) battle against kidney cancer. I was absolutely appalled because I could still remember I was so happy to hear that her mum has braced through the chemotherapy and she did actually recovered. I believe that she will pull through this time since she has proven to us that she was able to do it the first time round. I hope my prayers will be answered.

Come to think about it, what I'm going through seems trivial in comparison with what they're facing right now. Quoting N, "It doesn't take a death person to tell you that life is fragile, so make the most out of it". Then I thought, how exactly can someone makes the most out of her or his life? To be more precise, what can I do? How do we judge whether a person is living her or his life to the fullest? I'm feeling so broken, my heart is shattered yet I'm still trying hard to hold it together. It hurts badly and I hope that it will pass eventually. I'm still missing you, Ell. I wish I could just pack my bags and go somewhere else where no one knows me, where there is no worries and start a new life. But I can't be that selfish can I?

Is it normal to have the feelings I'm feeling right now?

I'm feeling sad and happy on the same time. He finally wrote me an e-mail and he told me he has got a girlfriend. I wondered how long has he been seeing her before having had the courage to tell me. I'm sad because he has found someone else but I'm also happy because he has the decency to tell me that. I'm just glad that he's honest with me. A friend of mine has warned me that guys tend to avoid the subject if they don't feel comfortable about it and I'm absolutely glad that he proved my friend wrong. I replied him with a fairly long e-mail, telling him things I've always wanted to tell him but I was afraid to. It is funny really because I've always loved him as a friend in the first place, then we realized we have feelings for each other and now, it's all back to square one. The dynamic of our friendship changed when we crossed the line. I still miss him and I probably still love him but what's left for us now is friendship. I don't think I can ever fall in love with him again for the second time.

Hey Ell, if you happen to read this, just to let you know that you've always been and will always be the great person that I think you are. I found myself in you, the other side of me which I've never known. I guess certain things are never meant to be and I'm not gonna ask 'what if' or 'what could have been' because I'm content with the short time we spent together, those beautiful memories will always be in my heart.

As I was browsing through magazines, I can't help noticing that in some of the articles which claimed that men, despite what women think, they are really simple creatures. A guy even lamented "Stop analyzing us men, we're just simple, really!" I think no matter how much men always complain that it's hard to understand a woman, I found it that men are actually far more complicated. Especially when they tend to give you the silent treatment, gawd, that is very childish. Sigh. I'm not saying this for the sake of saying it but because that's what exactly I'm going through at the moment.

I e-mailed him and I told him that I miss him and I want to see him but well, as expected I didn't get any reply from him. It was my second e-mail bringing the same topic up. He avoided the topic the other time and he's doing it again this time. So I asked myself over and over again what went wrong? When we parted we were still very much fond of each other and he told me that he missed me and he wanted to see me again. It all changed when he left the country and I just don't understand why is he avoiding the topic of me wanting to visit him. Is it different back home? Or is he erasing his memories of his travels? Whatever it is, he can just tell me. He does not even need to face me nor talk to me. Is it so hard to just type a sentence? If he doesn't want to see me again, I'm cool with it. Just tell me! Sure I admit that I'll be hurt but at least I'll get over it, rather than being put in an ambiguous situation. Doesn't our friendship meant anything to him in the first place? I'm just disappointed because I've always trusted him but right now I don't think he is giving me the respect that I deserve, even a friend should be given at the very least. I feel as though I'm nobody to him.

I'm away from home at the moment visiting W (my bf/ex-bf/whatever)'s family at his hometown. His dad has just been diagnosed with cancer - his health is deteriorating badly. That explains the complicated relationship between me and W. I don't see myself marrying this guy and all I can say is I'm feeling obligated to stay with him coz we've been together for a long time, and especially not at this point of time when he is feeling vulnerable. Hence, I'm plunge deeper into the shit hole. I have to admit that the whole thing is making me feeling sick and depressed. I know I have to get out, but it's not the right time now. I'm really confused and i'm torn in between doing the right thing or to follow my heart. Then I thought of you, Ell. It makes me equally depressed. I'm still trying to let go, not because I want to, but because you don't seem to care any longer. I smile whenever I think of you and those times when you gave me piggyback rides, when there were only us. It just felt like a dream. A beautiful dream...

So Monkey Bush has been named as Time Magazine Person of The Year 2004. I almost choked when I saw him in the front cover of the magazine. That explains why 51% of Americans are ignorant or rather they're blind. My heart broke when the US troops invaded Iraq March last year, I was absolutely devastated. A couple of months ago, Donald Rumsfeld was quoted saying 'There's no link between Al-Qaeda and Iraq', that of course doesn't take a rocket-scientist to figure out. I'm all for Senator Hillary Clinton to run for prez in the next election. Who knows? First Woman Prez!

When I was little, I always thought that this world is peaceful, and I grow up still thinking that way, despite the fact that war is still happening on the other side of the globe, the war between Palestine & Israel seems never-ending. At the end of the day, does it really matters anymore? Sure they've came a long way but almost every week there are suicide bombers who try to kill the others, why? To err is human, to forgive is divine.

I've got friends who told me that this guy is not worth it but affairs of the heart is hard to be justified. I was in a relationship for about 3 years when I met him. We started out as friends, I could never imagine myself falling for him yet I did. I love my boyfriend, don't get me wrong (or rather I thought so). I guess when it happens, it just does. He told me that he didn't want to come between me and my bf but it happened. His action contradicted what he said and he was as confused as I was. When we parted momentarily, I told him I'm gonna miss him but I knew I was gonna see him again. Fate played its cruel hand when he had to leave the country, a day before my birthday. That was also the very same day I realized I truly love this guy. I cried myself to sleep that night.

He just seems like a totally different person when he went back home. He'd still tell me that he does missed me a lot when he was in the country but when he left, he just transformed into a totally different person. It was so unbelievable. In every single e-mails that he sent, there is none that shows the slightest hint that he misses me. I told him I want to see him again and I'm gonna fly over but he just seems to be avoiding that subject. Ell, I just want to see you one more time, I'm not asking you to love me - is that such a hard thing for you to do? I've shed enough tears for him, it's been almost 5 months. I guess it takes two to tango and he most probably doesn't feels that way anymore or he could be lying all along but whatever the reason is, I'm tired...When I fall in love, I fall hard. I know it's gonna take a long time for me to let go but I know I have to. I miss those times when we're together. It hurts me to acknowledge the fact that I do love you because this love was never mine to begin with. I've never felt that way in my entire life but I guess what is left now are memories. These memories will always linger on my mind, just like you will always have a special place in my heart. Forever...

It's funny how I've been blogging for quite a while and people who reads my blog do actually KNOW me and here I am, choosing to be anonymous. All for the reason that I feel comfy, in my own world. Life is... not as bad at the moment. I'm still coping. It's been 5 months. And I thought I was over you. He left out of sudden, at the time when I was so ecstatic knowing that I'll see him again. Ell, it still hurts. But right now, I don't think I'll ever see him again. He's at the other side of the world. And it's really true that distance does matters. When I lie on my bed at night, I still think of you, and there isn't one day that passed by without me hoping..hoping that someday, I'll see you again. Someday. One day. To hold you in my arms one more time, and to let you know that nothing else mattered anymore.

:: Once this last sun has risen ::

If there was only one more night
And this heart would not beat again
Once this last sun has risen...
I would run to your arms
into your warmth
Know this joy one last time

If there were to be no more tears
And pain forever erased in one moment
Once this last sun has risen...
I would hold your face in my hands
And tell you of my love
Know the pleasure of your heart one more time

If there was only one last chance
For you to hear what should be said
Once this last sun has risen...
I would risk everything
To tell you these simple words
"I love you" then close my eyes

If there were only these few hours
Till this life was forever ended
I would take you in my arms
Feel your heart against my chest
Slip away content in this joy

- Excerpted from: Mark Garreffa

Hey Ell, my pride holds me back from telling you those exact same words. I guess it's too late when I realized that. It hits me that I might not be able to see you again. I was determine to make it happen, to see you one more time but at the moment, it just seems so impossible and unreachable. Then I thought, you don't seem to care so why do I even want to bother? It is simple..Because I can't lie to myself. Because when you were around, I was myself, a me at my happiest moments. I'm still hoping...