Tell me I'm not paranoid. Please.

So I've been back home. Everything was lovely, I get to see Pa although it was just for 2 days coz he's always busy. I get to binge on Ma's cooking, I get to go shopping with sisters (not to mention splurging $600 on Stila cosmetics). I get to catch up with friends whom I've not seen for ages. I get to have my tall skinny latte from Starbucks. I managed to smuggle some extra loose packs of ciggies without being found out by the customs. And I've missed S quite a bit when I was back home.

S will be away in Melbourne to watch footie this coming weekend so we went out on the very same day I arrived in Perth.

Me: I've missed you

S: Even when you're back home surrounded by your family and friends?

Me: ....... (*nods* silently)

I hate it when he answered my question with another question.

And gawd, I must have told him a million time that infamous "I've missed you" line but not once, I do mean not even once, he replied with "I miss you too". It probably clearly means that he never did yet I refused to believe that and I was searching for a hint. A hint that he does care for me, even a little bit and it's not just about sex. Why can't you pretend that you do care?

We've had the conversation before and I told him if he does really care for me he has to show it and judging from what's going on right now, I just feel that I'm no one important to him. I only get to see him once a week and I made it clear to him that it just wasn't enough for me and he promised he would try his best. It doesn't look like he even tried at all. I could still remember when I first know him, we went out at least 3 times on that week itself. A girlfriend of mine once told me, "If a guy does really care and love you, he will do anything for you". W has proved her theory right. He's probably the only guy who loves me to death but it's just sad that I don't feel the same way.

Will I ever find someone who is half as good as W or cares for me as much as Ell did back then?

Why when I thought I was strong enough to stand up once again, I was beaten down.

Mercilessly...